Dora’s Story
Dora has a unique perspective, because she parented 13 months before she decided on adoption.
The pregnancy…
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy. I thought that I was prepared and that I would be able to handle single parenting. After all, I was 20 years old and had a job. Also, and this was the biggest factor, I thought that the baby would fill the void that was in my life. So I prepared to have a baby. I use the word “prepared” loosely. I took the Lamaze classes and somewhat tried to financially prepare, but that was the extent of it.
Parenting…
Fast forward to when Brianna came into my life:
Here was the little person who looked to me for all her needs. But the honeymoon soon came to a screeching halt. I had no clue what was in store. I tried to balance the tasks of raising her and myself (I say myself, because I had a lot of growing up to do emotionally and spiritually). Finances also become a huge concern. I was tapped into the state system to get cheap shots and WIC, but that was never enough.
Then came the personal issues: I didn’t truly love myself at that point. And I realized I would have to love myself before I could build a genuine bond and love for my daughter. As time went on, I knew that I had no clue what I was doing and had no real support from family and friends. I found myself making the same parenting errors that my parents had made with me, and that terrified me.
Fast forward again to when Brianna was around 13 months old:
I knew that I had this child, whom I could not care for and I knew of no way out. I wanted the best for her, but what would that be? Eventually, a friend of mine called Buckner and asked for help. He didn’t know how to counsel me through the situation and thought Bucker might be able to help.
Meeting with Buckner
I met with Buckner and went over the basics of open adoption. I began to slowly tell my family of my decision. Of course, there were mixed and varied reactions. My dad wanted to adopt Brianna. I knew this was not a solution, since my goal was not to 'pass Brianna off,' but to put her in a home/situation that would give her everything I couldn't: two parents, a stable home and the possibility that she would become their everything. My cousins also wanted to adopt her.
But they didn’t want the open adoption that Buckner told me about. It’s amazing to look back on it now and see how total strangers would agree to open adoption when my own family would not.
Choosing a family
I went through the profiles and found Brett and Shawn. I absolutely loved the action shots they had on their profile. They seemed like such fun people, and that is what I knew that Brianna and I both needed.
I met with Shawn and Brett and then went to their house for dinner. I looked around their house and thought about how nice it was. After dinner, we sat and talked and I remember Brett asking Brianna if she wanted something to drink or eat (I think he was offering her a cookie) and she reached out her arms and he picked her up. My heart ached, but I knew this was where she was supposed to be.
The next step was having her spend a weekend with them. It went well, for them at least, and I made my decision. The next period is somewhat blurry. I know that I chose to keep her living with me while the legalities and such were being dealt with - regarding the adoption. Those were some of the hardest days of my life.
One night, I came home from work and got Brianna out of the car. I sat down on the curb and held her as tight as I could and just cried. I knew that this was the right choice but I hurt so very much. I remember wondering if this heart ache would ever go away. It was the same trembling heart ache I felt when I signed my rights away. I cried and cried and wondered how I would make it through this choice.
The adoption is made official
Then there was the placement ceremony. I cried so much that I thought my heart would split into two. How could I possibly make it through this? How can I hand Brianna over to Brett and Shawn for the last time - as my daughter? In reflection, I know it is by the grace of God that I made it though the pain.
Fast forward to now:
I did make it through the pain and many many many years later, I have a strong, healthy relationship with my birth daughter, her parents and their families. We have grown and evolved over the past seven years. And I have come to think of myself as an extended family member. I am invited to all of the birthday parties, choir performances, baptisms and am always made to feel that my place is secure within Brianna’s family.
My present day
I would say that I am in transition to start living my life. I am celebrating my four-year anniversary working at Spaeth Communications. They have always been supportive of Buckner and Brianna. For example: first, they allowed me to change my schedule once a week to take advantage of the free counseling that Buckner offers their birthmothers (which, by the way, I didn’t take advantage of until six years after the placement); then they show continual support of Brianna by bringing her small items from their travels, just as they do with my co-workers’ children.
I am also going to school part time. I started as a business major, but 45 hours into my studies I switched my major to nursing. Alas, I am back to square one with my pre-requisites. However, I am blessed that I was able to find a true passion - nursing - even if it didn’t come at the beginning of my continued education.
Mixed with the two priorities listed above, I attend a weekly group counseling session for Incest survivors at the Family Place in Dallas. I am extremely open about my recovery process, and hope that it inspires others to seek out the help they need to live the healthy life that God intended them to live.
I would like to note that my counseling experience started with Buckner. I knew that I needed healing from the placement I had so many years before. I knew that I needed to forgive myself, let myself grieve over the loss of my daughter and grow to the point where I could develop a relationship with her. I knew that I loved her and shared a level of friendship, but also knew that it could be much deeper. I went through weeks of individual counseling at Buckner until I reached a point where the journey became primarily internal. That was when I sought help at Family Place.
Since then, I have grown and fallen in love with my dear sweet birth daughter. The rewards have been immeasurable. The group sessions that I attended at Buckner helped me understand that I was not alone in my situation and that I shared a choice (placement) with many others. Buckner helped group us together to bring comfort, growth, healing and commonality to our journeys.
