Be A Family: News

By Jenny Pope
Buckner International

A lot can happen in eight years. Lindsey Rattan went to college, graduated, got married and started her career. But before she did any of that, she had a baby.

“It seems like a lifetime ago,” Lindsey said, while looking at a photo of herself in Buckner’s ‘New Beginnings’ magazine from 1999. She was only 17 years old as she held baby Taylor at the hospital, knowing she was about to place her into Brad and Shelley Neimer’s loving hands for adoption.

Little did she know that the Neimers would soon become more than just adoptive parents – they’d become her friends and confidantes.

Eight years ago, Lindsey was scared. “I was in denial,” she said. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was seven months along.”

Lindsey’s high school boyfriend Tyler had a cousin that worked for Buckner Adoption, so they called her right away.

“That was the first time I had ever heard about open adoption. I thought it was crazy, but in a good way. I just didn’t even know it was possible for me to be a part of my child’s life. It was a huge relief. I knew at that moment that it was it.”

The couple started meeting with their counselor twice a week as she helped them walk through their options.

“We were only 17; we had no idea what it would take to raise a baby. She walked us through creating a budget, talked about the price of diapers…we did a pros and cons list for us and the child. It was so evident as to what was the best thing to do.

“She never pushed adoption on us. She just gave us the resources we needed to make the best decision.”

Meanwhile, Brad and Shelley Neimer were struggling with infertility. After a year’s worth of treatments and medications, they said, “forget it.”

“We had decided we were going to do international adoption through Gladney (another adoption agency),” Shelley said.

It wasn’t until a nurse told them about a Baptist adoption agency named Buckner that she even considered going someplace else. As longtime Baptists, Shelley decided to look up the agency online and sent in her $50 registration fee for an upcoming adoption workshop.

“I found out the day of the meeting that it was only about open adoption,” she said. “I was like, no way! Not interested. But we had already sent in out $50 and I didn’t want to waste it. So we went.”

And that’s when everything changed.

“We felt the Lord’s presence in that place,” Shelley explained. “It was just a plain old building, but Jesus was in the walls. We decided in that moment that this was it.”

Within a few weeks, the Neimers researched everything they could about open adoption. They took their parents to another meeting so they could learn about it, finished their application, went in for an interview and were placed in the “book.”

That very same week, Lindsey and Tyler went to look through the parents’ profiles in the book. Lindsey took the profiles home and poured over every word.

“I had multiple highlighters and was going through to highlight the things I liked about each couple and the things I didn’t like,” Lindsey said. “When I finished, the Neimers profile didn’t have anything negative highlighted. I knew they were the ones.”

The next day, Shelley received a phone call from Buckner. She raced to grab a pen and paper to write down all the details she could about Lindsey and Tyler. Unable to reach her husband Brad on the cell phone, she was forced to wait until he returned home to give him the good news.

When he walked in the door, Shelley smiled and said, “We’re matched.”

Building a Relationship

It’s uncommon for adoptions to go as quickly as the Neimer’s, but Shelley felt prepared.

“I know it may sound crazy, but I prayed about it. I said, ‘God, is it gonna go fast?’ He said, ‘Shelley, get your running shoes on.’”

With only three and a half weeks left until Taylor’s due date, their relationship didn’t have much time to develop. They first met at the match meeting, where both sides of the family come together to meet and discuss whether or not they could have a truly open relationship.

“When we first met, we all stood in a circle and prayed,” Lindsey recalled. “That’s when I knew it was real. It was extremely powerful. It’s hard to explain the emotion in that room. Our conversation was so natural – not awkward at all.”

The next few weeks were filled with visits, shopping, and doctor’s appointments. Shelley thinks of that period as their “engagement. I tell people all the time that open adoption is not a divorce, it’s a marriage of families.”

“Which was great because her family and ours had a lot in common,” Brad interjected. “It’s almost frightening. We have the same humor, the same likes and dislikes. We don’t have to worry about hurting each other’s feelings. It’s very natural.”

Both sides credit Buckner’s counseling and support as helping them to prepare for this relationship and coaching them through the process. Being completely open with one another from the very beginning helped create trust, Lindsey said, even through the most difficult times ahead.

“The most challenging part was the emotional stuff,” Lindsey said. “The placement ceremony was yucky, horrible.”

Both families had to work through their grief and guilt, which is a natural part of the adoption story. But steady communication and openness prevailed. The families had agreed upon twice monthly visits for the first six months, with monthly visits each month after that.

But it was only nine days after Taylor was born when Lindsey came to stay the weekend with the Neimers.

“My parents were going out of town, so I spent the weekend with them,” Lindsey said. “They were like an older brother and sister to me, but the fact that they offered to let me stay with them demonstrates so much. They didn’t want me to be all alone emotionally.”

“We tried really hard,” Shelley added. “I wanted to make Lindsey better, to fix her heart. That’s one reason we tried so hard in the beginning. And we wanted to be good role models for her, and to show her that we loved her for who she was – not just because she was Taylor’s birth mom.”

Settling In

Today, Lindsey works as a marketing supervisor in Denton, Texas. In May 2007, she married Frank Rattan. Taylor, now 8-years-old, was a flower girl in her wedding.

“I can hardly put in to words what it meant to have Tay standing there beside me on my special day,” Lindsey said. “Honestly, I had dreamt of it since she was born. I felt so proud knowing that she was there to support me. I know it sounds crazy... a then 7-year-old supporting me. But I honestly felt that she was proud of her Lindsey.”

With future children an imminent possibility for Lindsey and Frank, these families have no hesitation as to where everyone fits.

“Lindsey’s like the cool aunt,” Shelley said. “She’s the one who brings toys and love and fun. I know her children are going to be an important part of our kids’ lives, like their cousins.”

And Shelley can’t wait for her new title, as well: Auntie Shelley.

“I know I’m going to be calling her every day for advice,” Lindsey said. “I’ve learned a lot about parenting from watching Shelley and Brad. They’ve really been role models for me on every level – kids, marriage, school and education.”

When Lindsey went to Baylor, the Neimers lived only 10 minutes away. In that time, the Neimers also adopted Will, now 5, through Buckner Adoption. The family now hosts an annual Birth Family Christmas where members from all families come to celebrate the two things that keep them glued together: their children and Christ.

“We’ve worked hard on our relationship,” Shelley said. “But remember, it’s always a two-way street. I can only try so much and she can only try so much. If we don’t meet in the middle, then it’s not a relationship.”

“I’ve always respected them for who they are,” Lindsey said. “They’re Mommy and Daddy. And I know who I am, too. I’m the birth mom. I’m Lindsey. Or as Taylor and Will say, ‘My Lindsey.’”

For more information about open adoption, contact Buckner Adoption at 1-866-236-7823 or adoption@buckner.org.